always.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

i really have nutting much to talk abt animore? zzzz...

well.. yest was my last day at HCFA! was quite sad actually.. coz the ppl there r soo nice~! except for the freaking irritating naggy pms-y boss. owells.. i've gotta adapt to changes.. lets juz hope the gals at james tan r not as cold n serious n over-perfectionistic. coz they r~! smart buncha gals.. but scarily perfectionists. n they wrk REAALLY fast.. so i juz gotta start chasing up wif their speed.

yest was pirates wif calista. messy messy messy~! didnt understand wad was going on. orlando bloom was still as charming..*gushes* =P
was supposed to go clubbing wif the gang.. but turned out to have onli zak lion n i. so we cancelled. i went to watch pirates at 7.. lion watched it at 9.. same place~! hur hur... den he msged n asked if i wanna go zouk wif his fren.. i was like "yipppee!" den wait wait.. in the end cancelled again.. coz his fren cldnt confirm wif him. wadda...... anti-climax twice. -_-

now i'm waiting for him to msg me.. coz he wanna go shopping... its already 2pm! n still no news... muz be still slping..

bored~

Sunday, May 27, 2007

great singapore sallllee~!!

ok i was supposed to save my money... but i juz realised.. i'm holding 3 online sprees... n helping 1 for ying dear... oh gosh..

was out wif ivonny n lionel at orchard on sat. planned to catch a movie.. but cldnt find the right timing.. so we ended up shopping! hee. both ivonny n i bought 2 tops. lionel got 1 top. cheap cheap! sales everywhere!

today.. wrk in the morning.. piano in the aftnoon.. shopping wif lionel at vivo in the evening. xcept tt i didnt get anithing.. coz realised how much i've been spending.. lionel bought books.. 5 kinds! 3 notebooks,1 archi book n 1 archi mag. he's seriously crazy abt books eh. haha. we had kim gary hong kong restuarant for dinner.. yum yum~! definitely better than Central at taka.

tt lil vid n pics of lionel n i dancing during grad day.. made me miss it so much. he was telling me over dinner tt its been so long since he saw the dancesport ppl.. is tt a hint?! haha.. seriously wonder if he miss it as much as i do.

wed's gonna be my last day at HCFA. den i'm off to james tan vet on fri. lets juz hope everything will turn out fine.

going into depression again. haiz.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

happy graduation~! i'm out of SP! finally~!! the robe's crap tho...

part of DARCH 0304

da hornies~! with zakiah da leader in front. haha

came home n was browsing thru frenster. found christopher (another christopher! not chris!) from sp photographers. he helped out wif dance n cheer's wave concerts to take pics...

he's cute... nice person.. but urh.. hmmz.. i'm juz not interested..

saw tis pic in his acc.. n oh my god.. fell in love wif it.

n i did sumthing i've nv done b4!!! i went to calista.. asked her to ask him if i can have the pic. dont u tink its juz beautiful?! omg... him alone is like... urh.. ok.. but wif tt cat! the gentleness he shows towards it.. omg. so he said ok.. i took the pic.. n send him a msg saying thnx. hahahaha. hope he wont tink i'm a stalker maaan. =)

back to wrk tmr. zzzz.

VIR!!! I AM SOOOOO SRY TO DROP UR CAM N DESTROY IT. OMG I SAW UR SIS'S FACE.. FELT INSTANT GUILT FLOOD THRU MY HEART MAN. REALLY REALLY REALLY SRRRYY~!! =(

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

i said i wanted to slim down n go running today.. well.. they turned out to be empty wrds. hahaha.. as usuuuaaal. but i still am quite aware of wad i'm consuming.. like had less rice~~ etc. had onli a tau sa bao for lunch! it felt gd.. =)

but, yes there's always a but..... i had doughnuts wen i came back home~! my bro had nutting better to do but queued for 1/1/2 hrs for the doughnuts at raffles city. goodness.. boredom can actually cause ppl to do stupid things. n he came back wif 12 doughnuts! 12!!! for the 4 of us. O_O

tmr's grad ceremony! full day leave frm wrk. gonna slp till late~! yippeee..

almost cried.. again.. on the way home frm orchard. was tinking abt the dream i had last night. well.. it was abt my ex.. for some reason.. he was shopping wif me n my parents. n it was as if nutting happened btwn us... den i asked.. "wad happened to ying xi?" n he said "found out i didnt like her as much as i like u" "we onli lasted for a mnth". n we continued to.. well. haiz.. hug.

woke up n felt like crap. terrible dream. how can i actually be so cruel as to have such a dream?! as much as i hate saying tis.. but... she might be happy being wif him. n i actually dreamt of him hurting her.. like how he hurt me.

fuck crap. i miss him so much...

i miss chris too~! hur hur... so random.

Monday, May 21, 2007

was home early.. again.

had a light dinner, looked out of the balcony... lo n behold~! the pool was empty~~~ so i put on my bikini n went strght down~!

oooh hoo.. so i swam on n on n on... lost count of the no. of laps i did. swam till my legs n arms ached.. my knees creaked.. cheeks went numb.. n it felt goood~

random thots kept running thru my head. like~

i neeta save money
i AM saving money!
gosh tis feels gd... i'm losing weight
am i really losing weight?
shyts i feel fat
can ppl actually see my fats thru the water?
argh cramp.. omg muscle ache.. good good~! toning up!
mayb i shld stop eating too
hmm.. or eat lesser?
hmm.. or.. regular meals?
nah.. guess eat lesser.
women are beautiful creatures, i'm not beautiful... so i'm not a woman! hur hur~
shall go running tmr aft wrk.
save more money~!
oooh.. tt gal there has a nice bod~ haiz envy

n now i'm sooo tired...

guess i'm going back to tt gal who's oh-so-obsessed-with-losing-weight yrs ago. hoho~~

Saturday, May 19, 2007

i wanna cry.. so much.. controlling so hard tt i'm having a headache..

dun like tis mood swings. dunno y i've been feeling tis way.

everything i see watch listen read.. wadeva.. i feel like crying!

it all started wif chatting wif pearlyn frm james tan abt going overseas to study vet. i cant go over nxt yr aft all. its too late for entry nxt yr feb. they're not taking in july students nxt yr onwards. so tt means i can onli TRY.. TRY to get in. TRY! i dun even noe if i can get it! in 2009!! haiz.

n i wanna save up! so much. but how??? its onli 19 may... 2 more wks to the nxt pay. how to save up another 300!

n i miss him... so much.. feel so lost now.. unwanted... y muz he leave me during a period wen i need him the most? y muz he hurt me wen i'm at my weakest period? y cant i get over tt fucking jerk? yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

cant ANIONE see?! i'm not tt bubbly haaapppy gal! i'm not tt chatty! i need ppl to noe tt i'm so emotional n sensitive tt it IRRITATES me! but even now wen i stop being so FAKE.. i can see how much people dun wanna tok to me. so who can understand tt?! who can accept tt i'm boring? tt i have IRRITATING emotional swings? FOR THE WHOLE OF MY LIFE. n it doesnt come onli during pms. its ALLLL THHHE TIME! so who can accept tt? NO ONE! coz i cant even accept it myself.

u tink i like being teased? big boobs.. twin towers.. fat... u tink i can accept it? i've been hiding! do u KNOW HOW HURT I AM? did u noe tt i cry at home everytime things get overboard? did u noe i had depression b4 due to it? did u noe i was anorexic? do u wan me to go back to tt?! coz i can! i did it for half a yr.. get it in ur STUBBORN INSENSITIVE MIND!! I WAS ANOREXIC FOR HALF A YR!

bet no one can imagine me being quiet? but i am lidat at home. my mom once even thot i had no frens. tt i'm a loner in sch. she said it straight into my face! coz i alway throw my temper arnd at home.. n dun wanna talk to anione. she said wen i'm like tt at home.. i'll be the same outside. dun wan anione to see tt side of me. coz its an ugly sight.

dunno y i'm saying all tis..

Thursday, May 17, 2007

satisfied gal today~!!

had a hair cut at reds.. cost 40 over bucks by tis guy! boi was he professional.. i cld see my hair flying abt.. n his hands n scissors were blurred wif motion. haha. now its damn short.. n i look freaking mature~! like 5 yrs older. haha. but guess it'll look nicer wen it gets slightly longer. i hope~!

aft which was a lil shopping. bought a handbag for 42 bucks. i like~! =)

i have eye bags n black eye rings~! n its so ugly!!! gonna wear foundation n some eyeliner tmr. omg.. aft 3 yrs of lack of slp.. the bags onli appeared now?! my body reacts pretty slowly huh...

i feel ugly.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

its barely 10pm n i'm feeling sleepy.. zzzz.

had been trying my best to not waste money. but realised how much a shopaholic i am! saw tis shop selling shoes at $5, $10, $15. cheap~! had to grab the opp n got a pair of bright red heels at 10 bucks. wore them today n my feet hurt quite badly. but was still loving it.. the price to pay for beauty huh...

will try to not go out too much till end of tis month. coz i'm planning to save another $200- $300, tho i've already saved $300 from tis mnth's pay. shopping will solely be wif my mom. unless i see something cheap! had been coming home awfully early.. n all i cld tink of doing was online shopping.. sooo... i've been browsing the sales section of the websites.. or.. price shopping... which means looking at items tt r cheap.

in a way its good huh.. trying to control my expenditure. coz i need time to collect my thots, its been flying abt like... disturbed bees. n well... i AM disturbed by it. so.. cutting down means not going out tt much, means being alone, means... well.. ya.. time to reflect thru. haha. wadeva.

cant believe nammie finished up the cookies i made! wonder if lionel even got the opp to try them. let joyce try.. she said its too sweet.. which was yaa.. true.. but.. she's nv satisfied huh.

seems like ebuddy/msn is useless to us hornies already huh... mass emailing is DA IN THANG~! msn? pfft.. where have u been? oollldd~

oh n did u noe.. hornyness can be spread thru emails too! bet u didnt noe yea?!

so which wld u prefer? wet or dry? tell u a secret... i prefer both~!! bet u didnt noe yea?!

ohoh.. n did u noe.. cockroaches can actually become cocks! n from our horny professor Dr Datin Zakiah Mohammed, they "anywhere also can come out... wakakakakka no need dark also can…". bet u didnt noe yea?!

random:
omg wanna go clubbing~!
omg so cheap! (some online stuff)
zzz so slpy
booored
gotta start reading tt book
i feel fat
omg i neeta start running
i wanna dance!!!!!
oh no.. i haven gotten tw's bday gift. shyts.
men r frm mars, women r from venus
men r bastards
women r bitches
B-eautiful I-ntelligent T-alented C-ute H-ot

tis dog looks so cute in my arms.. i have no idea wad happened to my hair.

can u tell how bored i am at home?

Monday, May 14, 2007

had been depressed.. so much... my colleagues had been asking.. but how do i tell them? there's too much to be said.

thot things will turn out better aft having dinner wif the gang... yea it did.. for awhile. reverted back to the usual.

came back n begin reading a novel. it was supposedly a fun-witted story.. but it turned out to be unrealisticly irritating. den it became depressing.. n i was affected by it.

tried digging out tis old poem i wrote for my ex yrs back wen we broke up. but it was too old.. deleted frm my blog archive. i noe i'm not supposed to be sad over him. not even tink abt him... coz like wad most of them said.. he's not worth my tears. but he hurt me so much. how am i to put it down so easily? if i were to juz let it go like tt.. i wld qns my love for him. barely jz typing the word "love" aches my heart.

my parents were telling my bro n i tt it was arnd my age wen they got to know each other. n fell in love. haiz... the amnt of envy i have for them. den my mom asked if i have a bf. i was stunned.. ma had nv asked tt b4. she said its time for me to have one. i blantly ansed tt bfs r nutting but trouble. but the qns struck me so hard... tt crazy thots leaked back into my mind.

if we were still together. if things didnt turn out tt bad. i cld actually tell my parents abt him. i cld stop sneaking arnd. i cld stop feeling guilty having to lie to them. i cld show him to them. he cld join us at family dinners.

if he didnt hurt me.. if he didnt go for tt other gal.. even if we broke up for the sake of my future studies. i cld tell my parents wad a great guy he was. tt i loved him.. tt mayb if we get back together.. i cld introduce him to them.

if.. all full of "ifs"... living in a world of useless fantasies. crashed back to reality so hard tt every inch of my body felt numb. hard cold facts of reality. he's not wif me. nv will. he had nv been a great guy.. he's the one who made me cry n go thru countless sleepless nights. he's the one who made me cut myself. he's the one who made me go on hunger strikes. he's the one who hurt me. he's the one...

but he's actually onli a minor part.. its so many things added up.. my studies.. money.. parents.. brother.. health.. future.. n they're all strung up, related frm 1 to the other.. feels like i'm hanging on a thread wif nutting to support on underneath.. ppl have things prepared in front of them.. they noe wad to do from now on... spoon-fed by life.. a buffet of choices.. but wad have i? i dun even noe wads the nxt step. y oh y did i make things so difficult for myself? y cant i juz accept fate?

Sunday, May 13, 2007

dunno wad to say animore.

dunno wads going on wif me.
dunno wads going on in my life.
dunno wad i've been doing.
dunno y i've been like tis.
dunno y i have severe mood swings.
dunno who to rely on.
dunno who to turn to.
dunno who i truely am.

need sometime alone. away.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

was chatting wif howie aft dance. he said if he were to choreo a modern piece, he wld ask me to dance for it. n tt i suite modern more than hip hop. which i totally agreed.. cant seem to get the groove of hip hop. y?!! den he said.. coz modern dance is more introvert whereas hip hop is extrovert.

most modern dance comes frm within.. deep concentration of emotions and feel... happy or sad... it needs projection frm the heart.
as for hip hop.. its more upbeat, fast. a happy facade projected straight frm the face.

which got me thinking? am i an introvert or extrovert? can wad i dance depict how i am? coz i'm latin dancing too.. n its.. well.. can i say extrovert? give me ur comments!! i'm quite interested in how ppl see in me... =)

i fulfilled my "misses"! did yogalathes on sun, modern dance yest, n latin dancing today! omg.. feel so damn gd tho body's aching like crazy. haven shower.. hehe.. stinky stinky~~

today was samba. met up wif howie, joyce n max aft wrk at chinatown. hmmm.. max was supposedly my new partner.. but he's new, super new, no dance background wadeva. soo.. we didnt get to dance together. he had to get his basics rite. which i didnt mind.. totally understood his situation.

going back to dancing made me notice how much i've lost touch, n how much i miss dancing wif lionel. dun let ur thots wonder ppl... ESP ppl who dun really noe him.. its the comfort level i have wif him. n nutting more than tt. coz we've been dancing together for like wad? 1 yr? no matter hooow sweaty we get, i juz dun mind dancing wif him, actually i do enjoy seeing him sweat it out. u shld see tt seriousness, tt look he has wen practicing... rare, very rare on normal day. no more boi boi silly naggy blur guy. ok hope he doesnt read tis, prob freak out tinking i'm some crazy stalker or sumthing.

aniway, unlike today.. boi was i sweating like crazy.. n felt soo freaking uncomfortable wif howie coz i was so afraid my back was too wet or tt i was too sticky... or i was stinking. so ya.. its da chemistry n familiarity.

howie told me to go for practice night on fri. n to ask lionel along. haiz... dunno man.. dun tink he's interested in latin dancing animore. prob juz ask him casually.. no hopes in it tho. *shrugs*

dance is the onli way to bring me away frm the hard facts of reality i'm facing now. takes my mind to another dimension which involves onli me, the dance moves, n small details within the moves itself, n most importantly the music and beat, how it relates to the dance, wad kinda story it tells. heart pumping, sweat dripping, blood rushing, adrenaline filling ur veins... tt form of relaxation.. man~! it seriously addictive.

haha.. crapping. bathing time~~~

oh aniway, i've put up a tagboard out of sheer boredom. prob take it down again if its stagnant, which was the reason y i took it off b4, plus i hate the fact tt ppl insult u in wadeva u blog abt, which is NON of anione's business. soooo if u always wanted to comment abt sumthing. or juz wanna keep the board up. say sumthing~! anithing~! provided its nutting insulting. 3 wks probation! aft which, da fate of da board is under moi hands. muahahahaha. -_-

Sunday, May 06, 2007

emo day.. 3 days in a row.. wadeva...

piano lesson was as usual depressing.. cant seem to do it right.. grade 8.. am i up to it?

went to orchard n walked arnd. depressing walk.. thots kept running in n out.. wen i was soo depressed.. this irritating bunch of MATS!!! MUDS.. however it is spelled.. fucking shot ice at my head.. FUCK MAN. so freaking angry tt i juz kept staring at the guy who did it. bloody hell.. if wanna do it.. den dun look so embarrassed abt it. fucker.. wanted to slap him soo much. ARGH. bloody insecure bastard.. thot tt he's wif a gang n he can actually bully someone alone. CB!

haiz.. mood swing again. aniway, had yogalathes for the first time today. boi am i in a bad bad shape. signed up for nike goals n challenges for running.. neeta reach the goal i set myself.. n.. dance tmr! aft wrk. omg. i soooo gonna be in shape.. if onli there's someone who can push me. *shrugs*

bought tt oh-so-irresistable pair of jeans frm future state today. yippee! n tt oh-so-irresistable M.A.C liquid eyeliner wif lionel yest! lost my makeup store pencil eyeliner.. haiz heartache. so its replaced wif m.a.c. ooh hooo.

cant help but notice my mood swing man. juz wif tis post... first its emo, den anger, den upset, den happy. emotional ups n downs juz within a few mins.

miss dancing. soo much. had a dream.. was in a latin dance competition, but not wif lionel. but wif chris! how weird was tt. O_O

had been spending too much. neeta save. save save save.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

BITCH! u n ur disgusting laughter.. "HEHEHEHE" YUCK!! FUCK OFF!! pls la... get urself a MAN laaa... wah lao... ARRGHHH!!! cant get ur STUPID face out of my head. FFFFFFFFFFFUUUCK! CB! ARGH..

fuck man.. seriously wanna scream.. i'm controlling so hard... n shutting my lips so damn tight tt i can actually feel my lip muscle getting tired. had NEVER felt SO FUCKING JEALOUS n ANGRY over a gal b4 man... not even for my ex bf's... n now.. he's like wad? not even my bf?! not even CLOSE TO THAT!!

n i noe y.. coz tt gal SO FUCKING IRRITATING! like so damn desp for a guy. YUCK! IRK! GGGGRRRRR....

FUCK man.. den wen i'm so FUCKING ANGRY.. i had to tink abt my ex! WTF?!!! tts wen i got EVEN MORE ANGRY! wah laaaooo... it was till the extend tt i wanted to cry. cry out of anger.

den wen i went up the bus. FUCK MAN.. wads wrong wif guys tis days man?! are they THAT DESPERATE?! KAOZ... went up the 2nd deck n there were so many guys.. fuck man... n there were some who looked at me frm top to bottom den smile tt OH-SO-DISGUSTING SMILE! YUCK! i had to be a bitch n sneer at them.
EVERY
SINGLE
ONE
OF
THEM
den get a sit nxt to tis guy who was totally uninterested.

u see guys?! stop showing tt hyper-active testosterone n u might get more gals. decent gals. u want horny, 1-night-stand, FATA(fuck-and-throw-away) gals?! den feel free to do wad u tink is "charming". YUCK.

going crazy. life is in a mess. who can i turn to?

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

feel like my body's rotting.. feel so lazy.. feel so unused... y? coz i've not been dancing! I NEETA DANNCCE!

met cheryl n kai.. my dancesport juniors a few wks back.. n they asked y i stopped dancing. said lionel n i r pretty busy.. cant find time to pract.. den cheryl was like.. y dun wanna find partner? i was like, "change partner?!" dunno mann... the idea of changing... adapting all over again.. man i'm soo comfortable wif lionel.. n i've been tinking abt it.. even told my mom.. n she was like.. y?!! den u'll neeta re-practice n all. but come to tink of it... i've got no one else to dance wif also. AAAHH!!

grrrrrrr.. i'm so bored. n tw's crapping away.. so irritating.. argh.. nutting to blog abt.. BORED~!! shall juz post wad tw's crapping.. pls.. DO NOT READ IT. its damn stupid. i juz have nutting better to post..

Oo My [TIAN] 7mths. Temptations. - nvr let me lay hands on fast cars. says:
later i slp den cannot fetch my uncle
den i'll label myself unfilial
den i'll be so guilty for the rest of my entire life
den it'll be ur fault
HAR LEH LOO YAR
ORH ME THOR FOUR
haha
ok
SAR YOYOYO NAR RA
wanna jump up on my lamborghini gallardo!
konvict
random words
umbrella
worms

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] says:
eh u very crappy leh!

Oo My [TIAN] 7mths. Temptations. - nvr let me lay hands on fast cars. says:
alligator
baboon
cock
donkey
elephant
flamingo
i dunno how to spell! giffra?
ger-rough

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] says:
giraffe la

Oo My [TIAN] 7mths. Temptations. - nvr let me lay hands on fast cars. says:
oh
thx
giraffe
hedgehog

bye ppl..

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

juz came home frm chris's place. labour day tmr! another day to wake up late.. yipppeee.. gonna meet da dance peeps at 2pm. missed them! was supposed to go for dance wif lionel.. but well.. i already planned to meet chris. the brownie i brought for him.. well.. didnt let him have it.. tink its not gd enuff. *shrugs* doesnt matter.

wanna blog b4 the thots run off. beware ppl.. long entry.

chris asked on msn 2 days ago...

Sleepless- Water Police -
u think i will make a good bf"?
just a general quest

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] -
hmmmm
i neeta noe more abt u to ans tt
coz now u're more like a fren to me.. bf's diff

Sleepless- Water Police -
but from what u know now

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] -
hmm
bf ah
i cant tink..

Sleepless- Water Police -
ok nvm

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] -
sorry...

Sleepless- Water Police -
why sorry
??
just a quest la

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] -
cant give u an ans lor
u noe y i cant ans?
coz now u also juz treating me as a fren rite..

Sleepless- Water Police -
ok

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] -
so i cant feel tt "bf" character frm u

Sleepless- Water Police -
ok

den he explained y he asked tt qns today. coz he wanted to show me.. a comparison i tink.. btwn my ex n him. he contacts me everyday.. even onli to ask how i am... which is diff frm my ex.. who dun even bother to contact me for a whole week. for some reason i was kinda defensive abt it.. n explained tt by den my ex n i already had probs.. den he was like.. since sept?! coz frm wad he noes.. tts wad its been ever since we got to noe each other. which got me tinking.. was it tt long? i actually hung on to it for so long?

so we chatted... n talked abt our past relationships.. n for some reason.. i started to miss my ex quite badly. tho i was there lying in chris's arms... i felt nutting.. no emotions, no love, no happiness, no bliss. nutting. started to miss how it feels lying under someone i love. feeling those emotions swell in my heart tho we juz stayed there silently entwined. finding myself smiling.. feeling so safe n warm..

but den again. tinking back... i wasnt in chris's arms to be exact... he juz laid there.. arms somewhere but definitely not on me.. onli our legs were tangled. cld barely feel his warmth.. no wonder i felt so freaking cold.

den i felt ugly. so ugly. not photogenic... unattractive... fat.. anithing ugly. which den got me to tinking abt how lionel likes to take pics of ivonny n virly but not me. coz they're prettier. more photogenic. how they have full length curly nice hairs n i.. juz spoils it all... wif my short cropped black non-interesting hair, n well.. ugly face. nutting agnst lionel.. really.. its juz me.. my insecurities. but seriously, it shows how much he prefers them?

i wanted to cry.. so badly. n in order to hide it, i prevented chris frm looking at me. climbed onto his back to give him a back "massage". but as usual.. i controlled them frm rolling.

i need a serious confidence boost. i really do.

n now i cant slp. damnit. feeling heartbroken... again.. sickening......