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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

juz came home frm chris's place. labour day tmr! another day to wake up late.. yipppeee.. gonna meet da dance peeps at 2pm. missed them! was supposed to go for dance wif lionel.. but well.. i already planned to meet chris. the brownie i brought for him.. well.. didnt let him have it.. tink its not gd enuff. *shrugs* doesnt matter.

wanna blog b4 the thots run off. beware ppl.. long entry.

chris asked on msn 2 days ago...

Sleepless- Water Police -
u think i will make a good bf"?
just a general quest

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] -
hmmmm
i neeta noe more abt u to ans tt
coz now u're more like a fren to me.. bf's diff

Sleepless- Water Police -
but from what u know now

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] -
hmm
bf ah
i cant tink..

Sleepless- Water Police -
ok nvm

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] -
sorry...

Sleepless- Water Police -
why sorry
??
just a quest la

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] -
cant give u an ans lor
u noe y i cant ans?
coz now u also juz treating me as a fren rite..

Sleepless- Water Police -
ok

-= sOxY =-[aaaarrhhh DANCE!] -
so i cant feel tt "bf" character frm u

Sleepless- Water Police -
ok

den he explained y he asked tt qns today. coz he wanted to show me.. a comparison i tink.. btwn my ex n him. he contacts me everyday.. even onli to ask how i am... which is diff frm my ex.. who dun even bother to contact me for a whole week. for some reason i was kinda defensive abt it.. n explained tt by den my ex n i already had probs.. den he was like.. since sept?! coz frm wad he noes.. tts wad its been ever since we got to noe each other. which got me tinking.. was it tt long? i actually hung on to it for so long?

so we chatted... n talked abt our past relationships.. n for some reason.. i started to miss my ex quite badly. tho i was there lying in chris's arms... i felt nutting.. no emotions, no love, no happiness, no bliss. nutting. started to miss how it feels lying under someone i love. feeling those emotions swell in my heart tho we juz stayed there silently entwined. finding myself smiling.. feeling so safe n warm..

but den again. tinking back... i wasnt in chris's arms to be exact... he juz laid there.. arms somewhere but definitely not on me.. onli our legs were tangled. cld barely feel his warmth.. no wonder i felt so freaking cold.

den i felt ugly. so ugly. not photogenic... unattractive... fat.. anithing ugly. which den got me to tinking abt how lionel likes to take pics of ivonny n virly but not me. coz they're prettier. more photogenic. how they have full length curly nice hairs n i.. juz spoils it all... wif my short cropped black non-interesting hair, n well.. ugly face. nutting agnst lionel.. really.. its juz me.. my insecurities. but seriously, it shows how much he prefers them?

i wanted to cry.. so badly. n in order to hide it, i prevented chris frm looking at me. climbed onto his back to give him a back "massage". but as usual.. i controlled them frm rolling.

i need a serious confidence boost. i really do.

n now i cant slp. damnit. feeling heartbroken... again.. sickening......