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Murdoch Biomedical Science soxy_gal@hotmail.com; jac_soxy@yahoo.com.sg 20031987 Pisces
August 2004
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Saturday, October 30, 2004
welcome to my life
think this lyric suites me a lot now..
Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong And no one understands you Do you ever wanna runaway? Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud That no one hears you screaming No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down With no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life Do you wanna be somebody else? Are you sick of feeling so left out? Are you desperate to find something more? Before your life is over Are you stuck inside a world you hate? Are you sick of everyone around? With their big fake smiles and stupid lies While deep inside you're bleeding No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down With no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life No one ever lied straight to your face No one ever stabbed you in the back You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay Everybody always gave you what you wanted Never had to work it was always there You don't know what it's like, what it's like To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down With no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like, what it's like
sobz
am supposed to do my hta, but as usual.. feeling lazy.. juz wanna laze around.. feeling tired and slpy, but shall wait till my eyes get heavy, or maybe wen i tink i ought to get to slp. meeting tian wen to study tmr morning.. argh.. hope i can study.. n hope wad he told me abt gerwyn tis evening is not true.. *prays* well.. i dun really need to tink so much actually.. juz a bunch of immature boys joking around.. shant get too serious about it.
went down to sj tis morning, had been soo long since i shouted.. didnt really shout as loud as b4, worse was i had a sore throat temporarily during the NYAA introducion session. Luckily they provided us a bottle of water each, gobbled the whole bottle, managed to get rid of it, ran to the toilet quite a few times, bertinus was like looking at me in a weird way as if saying "you got a bladder problem?" haha.. yea.. aniway.. measured my body for the safari uniform, argh! fat fat... even my junior said so... =( cant wait for the uniform... wonder how i'll look in it.. shall try to shed some weight b4 its done. =P had a very very light lunch (actually cant count as lunch) and rushed down to the HQ for the NYAA session.. Sat thru the SAME session again... argh.. SAME speaker, SAME slide shows, SAME info.. boooorrriiinggg.. bertinus too.. coz he went thru the same thing wif me too.. y da hell did the zone post us to tis session wen we already went thru it? *grrr* den wee kim(?) told me some info, which i DO NOT want to noe... argh.. thnx huh steven lee... -_- den bertinus told me i had to give some speech during the national seminar.. i was like "WTF?!" argh.. gotta call up steven lee to get things clear wif him.. heard that he used me to replace him, coz he didnt want to go or is busy.. but y me?! y not the other officers?! there's 5 more xtra ones.. y me?!!! -_- miserable man... i'm known in the hq... but feel sooo bloody out of place in my own corp.. tis is not wad i want... haiz... *shakes head* so yea.. went to sch, den the hq, came home tired and sticky at arnd 5+ - 6. checked my hp, coz i left it at home, called tw back, listened to something which was not wad i expected, and tried to complete my hta, which i started yesterday. did not even finish the first qns, went to bathe and had dinner standing up. hmm.. dunno y i was standing also... yea, sat down wif my mom to watch tv, had a nice laugh, but as usual, was tinking of tt, went on watching tv till 11+. was tinking of continuing wif my hta, but.. yep.. too lazy.. and heeerrrreee iiii ammmm. still tinking abt it, juz cant stop.. i cant even concentrate on my hta... it is affecting wadeva i'm doing.. wad muz i do to stop tis? do i really have to make tt decision? isn't there any other way? haiz.. shall juz take 1 day at a time.. it is the last resort, if there is really no improvement, den i will have to no choice but to make up my mind. guess i ought to get some slp, neeta wake up at 9 tmr... well.. b4 i go... have tis urge to say.. BE... I LOVE YOU! hope u're here wif me now... =( nitey.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
out
went to orchard today. had quite alot of fun.. took lotsa pics n some neos. Ate at sake.. felt sooo full... cant eat much man... our target was 80 plates but only could only have 60 plates. played pool b4 tt... quite ok la... played only 2 games den sian already. asked tian wen to join us but he dun wan.. *shrug* nvm lor.. den aft sake went to take more neos wif dan n virly. walked around aft tt..]
den went for sj.. sat in the conference room till 10+pm.. was soo freaking tired.. justin and thomas left first.. den aft some time, realised bertinus was quite restless too.. so asked him if he wanna leave wif me first.. so yep.. we left during the meeting.. steven lee gave me tis list of things for me to attend.. argh! there goes my hols... but not many also la.. all squeeze to only 3 days.. kept thinking abt TT today... argh.. totally hate tis man.. tw told me to go ahead wif it.. said its better tis way.. argh.. dunno.. really dunno... y am i so fickle minded? y cant i be more hard-hearted? y is history repeating again?! haiz.. dunno la.. dunno dunno... i neeta slp.. shall let tis prob be temporarily erased frm my mind.. thru slp.. nitez
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
zzzzz
darn slpy now.. eyes are feeling slightly heavy but surprisingly i cant slp. Tried to juz now.. on the sofa.. but due to my parents' little karaoke session, it kept me wide awake. So... "if u dun like them, be like them".. i joined in for a little singing. It reminded me of KBOX.. kinda miss it.. used to go there wif my parents, but aft my bro got busy wif ns and me being busy wif archi, those times are gone. n coz of my mood being real bad at home, i rarely tok to my parents. Well.. i can tell they do try having some little conversations wif me, but i always gave a nonchalant ans. Had been really pre-occupied. Many ppl noe the reason.. but none noe how bad it's affecting me. had been putting a false front in front of my frens.. as usual... only to show my real self at home.. i pity my parents.. sorry.. =(
went ice-skating wif ivonny, virly, lionel, rf and kim. was quite ok.. poor kim didnt noe how to skate and was left behind. did try once in a while to help her.. but the temptations to skate fast was so great, i had to leave her behind for a while, den return. she did improve fast though, from not being able to stand stable to walking quite a distance, it was quite unstable though. beginner... understandable.. practice makes perfect... =) fell down once, was tripped by rf.. luckily no scratches... *phew* hated those guys who went around the rink super fast.. zooming in n out of ppl.. juz inches away... curse those guys.. curse them to fall!! one of them fell.. haha.. sooo shiok man... i was cheering.. hahahaha.. =P i mean.. come on.. there are ppl who dun noe how to skate here, and u are zooming sooo close to them, u tink they can balance as well as u do?! many almost fell coz of u guys.. *hmph* me included! *hmph**curse u* going out to orchard wif the same gang excluding kim and including jack n daniel. looking forward to it.. hope we'll have fun.. =) help.. someone help me decide.. shld i? or shld i not? shld i wait? is it worth the waiting? the decision's getting stronger and stronger each day.. but at the same time.. i dun wan tt to happen... had been tinking abt it every single day... but still have not made up my mind... wanna wait till the hols, mayb aft.. and analyse the situation.. if no improvement.. then guess i will... God give me the strength... gotta curb this fear and do wad is right.. *prays* guess the fatique is setting in... getting restless and cold.. wanna snuggle into my warm bed.. had been days since i've done tt.. had been slping on my sofa since last fri.. the feeling of crying welling up again... hate it sooo much.. need someone now.. so much... but of coz it will nv happen.. as usual.. *shrug*
duuuuh
LC class now.. having presentation.. had mine.. went smoothly.. but found that there were too little ppl.. haha.. nvm la.. gotta thank glenn for the info.. =D
somethings wrong wif me tis days.. haven been slping properly tis days.. slept late.. woke up early. All thnx to primer 3 man... fri - ivonny, rf n kim stayed over at my home... den sun - ivonny, lionel and rf came at arnd 7+ to do our boards.... baaaaaaaaahh.. had nv work so hard b4... regretted coming for tis course man... = lalala... wing's presenting n i'm blogging... aint i bad?! lolx... hol's coming.. not looking forward.. dunno wad to do... duuuuuhh... so bored.. *slpy eye*
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
SALC
ah... in the finally quiet salc wif lionel, hidaya, kim and wing. Had nv been so quiet b4.. it used to be packed. Am supposed to do my microstation drawing but heck, neeta relax first. i juz loooove quietness... gives me tis peaceful feeling... =) Hmm.. had been staying in sch till 9pm for 3 days... better than going back to tt lonely home.
finally gave him the cookies. In fact their better made than yesterday. I'm beginning to tink tt everything happens for a reason, or tt God opens a door to another opportunity everytime he closes one, is true. Lotsa unhappy things tt happened turn out juz fine, blessings in disguise... Thank God. =) Luckily i didnt give him the rock hard, less sweet, deformed cookies yesterday. hehe.. Got back my interim-crit results yesterday, B+ B B A.. i tink.. forgot which 1 is a B+. Hmm.. funny thing is i'm not satisfied wif it.. tink i could do better.. guess i'm setting too high hopes for myself.. gotta put it down. I'm going at a very slow pace in doing the model.. dunno y.. dun have the mood to do... tis coming Mon is already submission and there's still so much to do... i need some motivation man.. Went to woodlands industrial park wif irwin today. took a taxi down... had lunch, and waited hell long for the bus. on the bus, we were uncertain where.. so we went pass the stop we were supposed to get down.. yep.. so we stopped at another place.. den realised tt the bus is a loop bus, so we didnt have to get down in the first place... argh... so waited for another 1 and went to the correct location. damn suay man.. further more in was raining like mad.. -_- had a great chat wif him.. talked abt life n stuff.. =) Dun feel like goin to sch tmr... feel like staying home to finish all my microstation drawings.. but i neeta do my model... argh.. how......................................... haiz... shall see if i can wake up tmr.. oh yea.. also see my mood.. okok.. gtg... ciao
Monday, October 18, 2004
=|
yea! finally went out wif glenn.. i was hoping for it juz yesterday morning, den he called me in the afternoon.. =) it was really nerve wrecking though..
was wif my aunt in the aftnoon for facial, went thru tt painful process, walked around and had dinner wif her. wen it was time to meet him, my aunt refused to leave! she said she'll stay wif me till... urm... "she" arrives. hehe... so.. we went to meet "her".. which is supposed to be glenn... boy did i make a bad choice in lying to her. msged glenn to tell him not to acknowledge me yet. not wen i'm wif my aunt! tried several ways to get away from my aunt... but she STILL refused to leave. ARGH! almost died frm anxiety. so... we walked to peace centre (where we're supposed to meet up).. den i told her "she's" is at PS instead.. so.. we walked back to PS.. haha.. shit man.. my story was utter nonsense. of coz my aunt knew tt something was fishy. haha.. wad did i get myself into?! realised tt i cant make him wait ani longer, so... i told her tt another fren's meeting me, which is glenn.. den we went to find him lor.. *shakes head* shldnt had lied in the first place.. learnt my lesson man.. shall juz tell the truth straight into their faces wether they like it or not.. i'm already 17 ok?! hehe.. so yep.. hung out wif him till 11+ - 12am. Reached home to find my parents not at home yet.. as usual.. wonder y my parents n my aunts find having guy frens a taboo.. its like.. hello?! i'm in sp, not some gal sch.. even if i am in a gal sch, there's still possibilities in meeting guys. so cant u guys juz back off?! haiz.. haiz.. he's not in sch... baked a box of cookies and was hoping soo much to give them to him.. well yea.. found out he wun be coming, so shared the cookies to my classmates... shall make fresher ones tonight.. hope he comes... the bls course suck! the theory test was sooo difficult... the practical was worse! esp the 1-man cpr. ARGH! hate the bloody test machine.. feeling cramps on my stomach muscles now.. did like dunno how many times to make it perfect.. *diao* y muz be so perfect? u wun be tinking so much in a real situation rite? *diao diao diao* oh well... i passed aniway.. hahaha.. only a week left to submission! help...
Saturday, October 16, 2004
-_-
argh hell.. shall blog more... feeling darn bored. In the sch lib now, on a sat, wen i can slp real late den go out. stayed in sch till 9 wif lionel yesterday to do our microstation, boy does he work fast! well.. as usual... i took my time... cant rush man.. confirm make lotsa mistakes. Den he told me tt he'll be coming to sch again today, so.. i tot of not being able to work at home... so.. decided to acc him. Feeling soooo sleepy... did the microstation drawings till 2+ last night.. since wen am i so hard working? hmmm...
so yea.. in the lib.. finished wif my top view... suffering from a stiff neck.. feeling soo bored.. tinking of joining tian wen, gerwyn and shun ren later, but other than tw, i'm not close to the other 2. juz got to noe gerwyn wen we went to watch exorcist(spell?), shun ren.. tis little junior whom i got to noe frm the big walk... shld i go?! *thinks hard* (*looks over at lionel* he's working so hard!) the lib's closing at 12.30.. facial's at 4... yuck! i hate facial. people find it relaxing but not me... it hurts! big time! *sigh* there's the bls course tmr.. argh.. dread... y did i ever agree to joining it?! recieved an email tt i am to go for tis NYAA session on a sat.. i was like.. wad?! y didnt anione ask me b4 putting my name down? so much for remaining active in sj.. oh well.. Haven been in contact wif glenn tis days. wonder how he is.. tried calling him yest to ask him out but couldnt. hmm.. hope he's fine. he's 1 of the very little ppl who can cheer me up... lib's closing.. -gone-
boring life
life hasn't change much
still the same old depression feeling a little better though had been doing lotsa constructive work to get my mind off those thots oh well.. guess its a blessing in disguise guess i'm getting immuned to it not like he cares abt it aniway not a single call frm him wad more ask him out? *shrug* i'll juz go on wif my life there's so much work to be done for primer 3 3 HTAs, design journal, den its finally the crit, den hols not looking forward to the hols nutting to do, thots will come back dun wan tt to happen oh well.. tts life...
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
help
had been really long since i last blogged
not tt anione comes here to visit aniway... even i am unable to enter tis site... had been feeling so down tis days cried 2 days in a row tinking of things tt might happen btwn us not be able to chat on the fone or going out wif each other for a week is killing me we had not been going out even b4 tis tis relationship, to me, is crumbling my heart is crumbling y is tis happening to me? dun wanna tink abt it animore cant take it animore who am i to him? y is my mind refusing to believe wad he said to me even though it sounded so sincere? had previous relationships scarred me so bad tt i can no longer believe? who is so willing to endure through my uncertainty, suspicions; but still loves me? |