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Monday, May 14, 2007

had been depressed.. so much... my colleagues had been asking.. but how do i tell them? there's too much to be said.

thot things will turn out better aft having dinner wif the gang... yea it did.. for awhile. reverted back to the usual.

came back n begin reading a novel. it was supposedly a fun-witted story.. but it turned out to be unrealisticly irritating. den it became depressing.. n i was affected by it.

tried digging out tis old poem i wrote for my ex yrs back wen we broke up. but it was too old.. deleted frm my blog archive. i noe i'm not supposed to be sad over him. not even tink abt him... coz like wad most of them said.. he's not worth my tears. but he hurt me so much. how am i to put it down so easily? if i were to juz let it go like tt.. i wld qns my love for him. barely jz typing the word "love" aches my heart.

my parents were telling my bro n i tt it was arnd my age wen they got to know each other. n fell in love. haiz... the amnt of envy i have for them. den my mom asked if i have a bf. i was stunned.. ma had nv asked tt b4. she said its time for me to have one. i blantly ansed tt bfs r nutting but trouble. but the qns struck me so hard... tt crazy thots leaked back into my mind.

if we were still together. if things didnt turn out tt bad. i cld actually tell my parents abt him. i cld stop sneaking arnd. i cld stop feeling guilty having to lie to them. i cld show him to them. he cld join us at family dinners.

if he didnt hurt me.. if he didnt go for tt other gal.. even if we broke up for the sake of my future studies. i cld tell my parents wad a great guy he was. tt i loved him.. tt mayb if we get back together.. i cld introduce him to them.

if.. all full of "ifs"... living in a world of useless fantasies. crashed back to reality so hard tt every inch of my body felt numb. hard cold facts of reality. he's not wif me. nv will. he had nv been a great guy.. he's the one who made me cry n go thru countless sleepless nights. he's the one who made me cut myself. he's the one who made me go on hunger strikes. he's the one who hurt me. he's the one...

but he's actually onli a minor part.. its so many things added up.. my studies.. money.. parents.. brother.. health.. future.. n they're all strung up, related frm 1 to the other.. feels like i'm hanging on a thread wif nutting to support on underneath.. ppl have things prepared in front of them.. they noe wad to do from now on... spoon-fed by life.. a buffet of choices.. but wad have i? i dun even noe wads the nxt step. y oh y did i make things so difficult for myself? y cant i juz accept fate?